I am lost. I do not really know where I belong! Feelings like these make me lose faith in me. Is it the case that I am not the person I insist on being. Someone who is endowed with a lot of logical sense and a clarity of mind. Soeone who knows what he wans to be or not to be. That's how I feel when I am not lost. I wish I could get rid of this sickening feeling. I have a feeling that this is just a 'de passage' situation. But can I trust myself now? How do I know, me the person who feels lost now, that this is temporary?
Things are kind of worsened by this other uneasiness: I feel that I am nothing. How do you want me to feel since I cannot get myself out the feeling being lost. I am powerless and as such qulify for being a nothing. I am not even worth the indefinite article. I am nothing! A tiny small, despicable nothing. Anything can smash me out. Turn me into a was-here, a-never-to-be-seen-again. Can this, too, be temporary?
The thing is, I don't believe that the word 'lost' is what can best describe how I feel now. I would tend to qualify myself as helpless. Helpless in that I am not so sure about what decision to opt for in the face of the multitude of options availabe to me. I know that I need to move forward; where to? I am not sure I can give an answer now. Yes, this is only temporary.
The thing is, the future is not that clear for me now. I am at one of the many crossroads I had to go through during my life. The ones I remember are the ones I consider the important ones. All of which I took lightheartedly. I have always believed that my transitions in life have been very smooth ones. Indeed, they have all landedplaces and among people I have never regreted getting in touch with. But it has turned out that this too can only be temporary!
I am now at a point where my making up of my mind would either take me forward or backward. Which is better? To be what you have always been? or, to be what you have always wanted to be? Which is better, your past or your future? Both are wonderful, none of them accepts to live with the other! I am at a crossroads! No, I'm not lost! Mind you this is so because I know that I am going to be what my upbringing has prepared me for: always be another person. So make the best of me while I am still lasting as I am now. What I am now is only a temporary me.
God knows what I would be then. But isn't it frightening to realize that you are only a never ending now and then! Add to this that even when I am a now, I am claimed by many to be a multitude of people ?Wow! I am lost!